The Wizard of Ozford
by mew-tsubaki
Summary: T for lang. PARODY. My 100th story, folks! XD Scorpius is faced with a situation from which he wants to escape. Well, things happen, there's an attack, and Scorpius wakes up in Ozford. Nothing's quite what it seems. Adventure/humor, too. R&R, thx
1. Getting There

**The Wizard of Ozford**

A HariPo ficlet

by mew-tsubaki

Note: These characters belong to J.K. Rowling, not me. The original _The Wizard of Oz___storyline belongs to L. Frank Baum (though this parodies more the movie than the book), not me either. **These pairings (Scorlor, Scorander, and Scred) were discovered by me and are therefore ****mine****; please gimme a little mention if you write them**! **Thanks**! They are three of many of **Mew and Mor's Weird Pairings**, which you can find via the link of the same name in my profile. And yes, this is a parody and has plenty of slash; the rating is subject to change at any time, fyi.

This is my _**100**__**th**__** FANFICTION!**_ Sooo…read, review, and enjoy! (Just a little review. Pleezy? Since it's 100? X3 Thanks!)

- ^-^3

**Chapter One: Getting There**

Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy was a good boy with a good life. He lived with his mother, Astoria, and his father, Draco, in their modest (yeah, right) offshoot of Malfoy Manor, a place known as Malfoy Keep. Scorpius never wanted for anything in his life. Why should he? Say the name "Malfoy" and your desire was granted.

But Scorpius didn't use that whenever he pleased. He'd grown up with a sense of humility, worth, and compassion. I daresay he was the first Malfoy with such traits. …Please. Go with me on this.

Honestly, Scorpius had it good. He had a lot of friends, even, though most of them were Weasleys and Potters, much to his father's dismay. But the Weasley/Potter clan was made up of good people and the Scamander twins (Luna Lovegood's sons, that witch being along the same rather distasteful lines for Draco) completed the circle with Scorpius. In fact, his best friends were the Scamander twins—Lorcan and Lysander—and the male Weasley twin, Fred (Freddie, as everyone called him). Scorpius' gang of friends made up for the sometimes rocky atmosphere at Malfoy Keep…like the one going on right now.

"We need to find a good match for Scorpius!" yelled his Grandma Cissy. Narcissa's blue eyes flashed venomously at her husband.

"He's a year out of Hogwarts, Narcissa," Grandfather Lucius drawled, swishing his firewhiskey around in its bottle. "There's no real rush yet."

"You and I were engaged before our last year," Narcissa retorted.

Lucius smartly said nothing.

Scorpius' mother, Astoria, brushed her hair off to the side and sighed. "Draco and I weren't engaged until almost five years out of school."

Narcissa smiled sweetly. "Astoria, darling, those were different, post-war times."

"No, Astor's right," Draco stated, sitting up in his chair across from his wife. "Why should we rush Scorp? It's a different time even now, Mother."

Scorpius, who stood in the doorway to the sitting room, scratched his head. "Look, guys, why don't we sort this out some other day? It's the day after my eighteenth birthday, for Merlin's sake."

"All the more reason to find you a lovely witch," his grandmother replied.

"You know what, Grandma Cissy? I'm going to go hang out with my mates," he said, walking over and kissing the top of her head. "I'll leave you 'adults' to all this planning."

"Scorpius, you're an adult, too," Draco stated.

He shot his father a look and glanced at Narcissa. "Well… I'm still a kid when it comes to these matters, soo… Yeah. I'll check back in later." He kissed his mother's cheek and left the house before his father could protest any more.

Outside, Scorpius stretched out his arms, holding out his left limb. An ebony Hunting owl swooped down and landed gracefully on his arm. The bird nuzzled Scor's jaw.

"Ah, hullo, there, Jojo."

The bird trilled in response.

Scorpius gave him a treat. "Shall we go find the blokes, then? What do say? We spent all yesterday with the family, so why don't we go find my mates?"

"Scorpius?"

The blonde boy looked at the front gates to Malfoy Keep. He broke into a smile. "Aunty Andromeda. How are you?"

"Fine," Andromeda Tonks replied as her great-nephew allowed her inside. "I thought it was an improvement when Cissy approached me ten years ago and decided she wanted to reestablish our relationship." She squinted in the murky, cloud-strewn sunlight. "I didn't mean that I wanted to have a hand in setting you up in an arranged marriage. I didn't like that at all; it was one reason why I left the family."

"But Uncle Ted was worth it."

She smiled wistfully. "But your late Uncle Ted was worth it. Without him there wouldn't have been Nymphadora, nor would there have been little Teddy."

"Uh, Aunty? Teddy's not so little anymore."

She shrugged. "He'll always be little to me." Andromeda cupped one of his cheeks. "Just like you'll always be little, too, Scorpius."

He beamed. "Thanks, Aunty. They're all inside, by the way."

"I know. I'll go in and—" She stopped short as Scorpius' owl began attacking her hairpiece. "Ack! Get Jorman off me, Scorpius!"

"Jojo! Jojo, stop! That's not owl food!" Scorpius released the bird, who flew off. "Aw, hell…"

Andromeda huffed. "I don't understand why you keep him, Scorpius. That-that _bird_!" The witch shook herself. "I hate owls…"

Scorpius offered her an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Aunty. I've gotta go after him. Good luck with the family, though." He ran off in Jorman's direction, then, feet pounding the pavement. It was times like these when he really wished that a Summoning Charm would work on something other than inanimate objects.

Somewhere in town, Scorpius saw Jorman fly low and disappear between buildings. The Malfoy son ran faster, for he hated that he'd already lost sight of the damn avian. When he'd gone another few blocks, he slowed and listened.

There was an owl's screech off to his right.

Scor took the turn and walked until Jojo's cries grew nearer and nearer. Then Jojo stopped. His master had found him.

"Rose."

"Scorpius." The Weasley witch shook her arm and Jojo hopped back to Scorpius. Rose gathered her ruby red hair into a ponytail before looking at her former boyfriend. "I hadn't expected to see you. Oh, happy belated birthday."

"Uh, thanks…" He blinked a few times, wondering why his owl had found her, too. "So, uh, what brings you over here?"

"Oh, Aunt Audrey and Uncle Percy live nearby. I was visiting them and Mols and Lucy. You?" She laughed. "Ugh, stupid me. Jorman tried running away."

"Yeah…" He frowned. After dealing with his grandmother's antics, the last person he wanted to see was his ex-girlfriend. Well, at least he and Rose had stayed somewhat friends.

"It's that time, isn't it?"

The wizard looked up. "What?"

Rose peered at him smartly. "You're a Malfoy. They want to find you a bride, don't they?"

Of course. Rose was fairly keen. She'd be able to figure what was bothering him easily. "Yes. Mum and Dad are trying to slow Grandma down, but I don't know how well they can do that. Then Aunt Andromeda turned up."

"Ah." Rose lifted her eyebrows and sat down on the swings in the playground a few meters away. Scorpius joined her and leaned against one of the posts of the swings. "You never did like those things, engagement stuff and all."

He pursed his lips. "That's not why we broke up, Rose."

"I know. It's because you wanted me to be myself and rebel in that _other_ way."

"Did you?"

She never answered. Instead, she winked at him. "Why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that all the bad things are far behind you and that there's nothing but a good day ahead." She chuckled at his peculiar look. "Oh, come on! Don't give me that! It's fun. And helpful."

With a doubtful sigh, Scorpius lowered his eyelids until he saw nothing but black. He waited for further instruction.

"There's no arranged marriage. There's no impending engagement. There's only Jojo, the boys, you, and an open field. Haha, you're zooming around on your broom playing Quidditch now!"

He opened one eye. "Very imaginative, Rosie."

"Hey, no looking! … Good. Both eyes closed again? All right, let's see… Oh, the Tutshill Tornadoes are scouting. Ah, Puddlemere's come along. They want you, too. Haha, you've got to—"

When Rose didn't continue, Scorpius smirked. "What? Ran out of ideas?"

"No… No, Scorp, it's not that."

The note of concern in her tone forced him to look at her. There was worry etched on her face. "Rose? What's wrong?" He blinked…and looked around him. Was it just him, or had things become suddenly very dark?

She frowned. "The sky, Scorpius… It's too dark. And look at the clouds over there." The redhead pointed to the other side of town. "Those clouds…"

His heart leapt into his throat. That was the general direction of Malfoy Keep. And those weren't clouds. He'd heard the tales from Rose's Uncle Harry. "Dementors."

Rose glanced at him, fear in her eyes. "But that…"

Scorpius didn't wait for her comment. He didn't wait for anything, really. He ran back so fast it was like he'd ridden his broom. When he neared the house, he slowed and gaped at the sight before him:

There were _hordes_ of Dementors surrounding Malfoy Keep.

The blonde wizard didn't even stop to wonder why the monsters were there. He could only think that his parents, his grandparents, and his aunt were in there. Another fear seized him: His Aunt Daphne was supposed to join the family after her early morning shift in the Portkey Office was over. He didn't know if Aunt Daphne was in there, as well.

Scorpius cursed himself and fumbled taking his wand out of his belt. Once he finally grasped the hilt, he held it up and tried muttering the incantation. But the Dementors were already descending.

"_Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum…! Expecto…Patronum…!_" The Dementor was _so_ close now. "Expecto… Patronum…" And then everything went black.

It wasn't the same kind of black as before when he'd closed his eyes. No, that darkness Scorpius knew he had control over. But this inky, jet color was horrifying. He felt like he could barely breathe.

Reflexively, he sat up with a jolt. He looked around him, shocked and gulping in great amounts of air. He was inside the vestibule at Malfoy Keep. That was weird. He didn't remember getting inside the house. Hell, he only remembered just getting inside the gate only to face a Dementor first-hand.

_Dementor._

He jumped up and looked around. The house was quiet and it seemed like there wasn't anything wrong. He couldn't believe it. There were scores of Dementors outside; the house _shouldn't_ be this quiet. And he shouldn't be alive after the Dementor's kiss.

Scorpius patted his blue and white checkered shirt and his khaki slacks. No, he wasn't harmed at all. But his family… He ran through the house, calling out their names. No one responded. It was as if they'd all just vanished into thin air.

A screech made him glance back. Jorman sat on his post inside the door. Sunlight came in through the window on the front door and illuminated the bird's black feathers.

"Jojo…? Is that a…_dog tag_ on your neck?" Scorpius squinted and then walked over to the bird. Indeed, the owl was wearing a dog collar. "Okaaay…" Scorpius glanced at the sunny window. "Where the bloody hell are the Dementors?"

He held out his arm and Jojo latched on as Scorpius grasped the door handle. He swung the oak door open wide—and wondered if he'd been slipped a Wheeze when he was with Rose earlier.

The landscape before him wasn't his neighborhood. He wasn't even sure if it was England or the United Kingdom. Scorpius prayed he was still on Earth, despite the gaudy colors of the view. Scorpius observed his surroundings and sighed.

Jorman screeched and hopped to the ground to swallow a field mouse whole.

"Jojo, we're not in Kent anymore."

- ^-^3

**BWAHAHAHAHAHA~~~~! XD This is going to be fun. Despite the bit of worry over why the hell there were Dementors attacking, I think I've done a fine job of setting things up, no? ;) Oh, and that attack will be remedied/explained in the end, so no worries. One note: I never read the book and I haven't seen the movie in years (but it is one of my favorites!), so this is a very loose parody. I'm going by what information I can find and what things I feel I can twist around.**

**Which is just about anything. XDDD**

**So please review! I will do my best to update soon! :3**

**-mew-tsubaki ;3**

**Thanks for Betaing as always, Morghen! *passes out a little more Scorlor* Y'know, to hold you over. B3**


	2. Committing Murder Hooray!

**The Wizard of Ozford**

A HariPo ficlet

by mew-tsubaki

Note: These characters belong to J.K. Rowling, not me. The original _The Wizard of Oz___storyline belongs to L. Frank Baum (though this parodies more the movie than the book), not me either. **These pairings (Scorlor, Scorander, and Scred) were discovered by me and are therefore ****mine****; please gimme a little mention if you write them**! **Thanks**! They are three of many of **Mew and Mor's Weird Pairings**, which you can find via the link of the same name in my profile. And yes, this is a parody and has plenty of slash; the rating is subject to change at any time, fyi.

This is my _**100**__**th**__** FANFICTION!**_ Sooo…read, review, and enjoy! (Just a little review. Pleezy? Since it's 100? X3 Thanks!)

- ^-^3

**Chapter Two: Committing Murder—Hooray!**

As if landing in a strange place wasn't bad enough, Scorpius got to meet the locals.

Scorpius had already made the decision that it was a bad idea stepping out of the house. I mean, anyone would make that decision. He had no clue where he was, no idea if he was alone, and no idea if he'd ever get back home. To (maybe) answer those questions, a giant Golden Snitch appeared.

"You've got to be kidding me," he grumbled to himself.

The giant Golden Snitch alighted on the ground before Scorpius and Jojo and unfurled its wispy wings. The middle section of the sphere cracked open, providing for a walkway for the Snitch's inhabitant. And yes, there _was_ someone inside.

Out stepped a girl. She wore a lacy white dress and matching ivory heels. Her long, dark red hair flowed loosely and freely behind her back, and her teal blue eyes were big and round. Her wand sparkled with magic unknown to Scorpius.

"Hello, there. Welcome to the land of Ozford."

"Oh my Merlin… _Lily_? Lily Luna Potter?" Scorpius' eyes bugged out at whom he was sure was none other than Rose's cousin.

"No, no, I'm the Good Gryffindor Witch of the South."

"Sure you are."

She glared at him. "That's who I am!"

"Stop fooling around! You're Lily!"

The witch rolled her eyes. "Call me 'Lily' if you must. That's not why I'm here."

Scorpius crossed his arms. "Then why _are_ you here, Lils?"

Lily continued to glare at him, but she smiled nevertheless. "I want to inform you that you've done Ozford a great good. You've killed the Wicked Hufflepuff Witch of the East." She gestured behind him.

His face drained of all color. "I killed someone? HOW?"

Disgruntled, she gestured behind him again. "Take a look, you big oaf."

He glanced behind him and wanted to freak out. There was a pair of legs sticking out from under the foundation of the moved Malfoy Keep. The feet stuck out on either side and were covered in a very comfy-looking pair of reddish-brown loafers. He gaped at Lily. "Who the bloody hell is that?"

"Mind you, please don't curse. The locals take offense to such speech. And the Wicked Hufflepuff Witch of the East was none other than Dominique. She was an evil and self-righteous witch." Lily grinned and clapped her hands. "Good job, mate!"

"But-But Dominique's your cousin!"

Lily looked at him like _he_ was the strange one. "Cousin? Why, whatever do you mean? I'm from the South where the brave Gryffindors are. She came from the East, where all the Hufflepuffs dwell. Nasty little critters. They work too hard and are waaay to loyal, especially to their leader, the now dead Dominique. She worked too much, too. She was trying to take over Mugglekinland."

"What?"

"You know, Mugglekinland. Where all the Mugglekins live." Lily swept her arm behind her.

On cue, a large group of people all dressed in blue (they looked like Ravenclaws to Scor) came out of hiding from their tiny blue houses. Actually, they were tiny themselves.

Suddenly, "Muggle_kin_" made sense.

"_Ding-Dong! The Bitch is dead!_" rang out through the crowd of Mugglekins. Their voices grew louder and louder until Scorpius had to cover his ears.

"Oi, you lot!" Lily yelled. "Shut it!"

They quieted, and Scorpius stifled a snicker. Lily was as much like her mother in this universe as she was in the other.

Lily turned back to Scorpius. "Now, er…"

"I'm Scorpius," he offered.

"Right, Scorpius. Well, you have—"

A haughty cackle above their heads interrupted her.

"Oh, bugger."

Scorpius looked up and blushed. Surely his eyes weren't deceiving him again? Because that looked a helluva lot like Victoire riding on a black-lacquered broom. In a _veeery_ tight lacy black dress. He could only think that her parents would die of embarrassment to see their oldest daughter dressed like that. Not that Victoire ever let her parents have a non-embarrassment-inducing moment at any other time.

Lily glowered at the newcomer as the person landed on the ground near Scorpius. "What do you want, Victoire?"

"Ha!" Scorpius exclaimed. "She _is_ Victoire! Making you Lily."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"I've come to claim my sister's body," Victoire stated, looking out over the Mugglekins, as well. They cowered in her presence. "I've also come to gather her Portkey Slippers."

"You can't have them. Nor can you handle their power."

"Please." Victoire snorted. "And Dom could? That kind of power should only be handled by older, more experienced," she said with a sultry look towards Scorpius, "witches." She marched over to Dominique's feet.

Lily flicked her wand. "Oh, no, you don't!" Her spell caused the loafers to vanish from the dead witch's feet. "You have no power in Mugglekinland and you know that, Victoire! That means you can't get them off or have them, spell or not!"

Victoire cursed. "Give them _back_, Lily, or I will drag you by your hair into territory where I _may_ bespell you!"

The witch from the South snarled. "Oh, yeah? Try it!"

"Ladies, ladies!" Scorpius interjected. "Calm down! There's no need to argue right now!"

Victoire sneered. "Oh, take a look at the toy-boy. He's—" Her face twisted in one of pure fury. "Why is he_ wearing my sister's shoes_?"

Scorpius gulped and looked down at his feet. The shoes were, in fact, on his tootsies, though on him they looked more like dress shoes than loafers. "Um, I'm sorry?"

Victoire glared at Lily and jumped back onto her broom. "You should curse the day you were born, you damned Gryffindor! And _you_!" she screamed at Scor. "I'll get you, love! I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good! And I'll bloody well get you!" With that final promise, Victoire flew away and the Mugglekins released one collective breath of relief.

Lily groaned. "God, she's awful."

Scorpius raised his eyebrows. "And she…"

"That's Victoire, the Wicked Ravenclaw Witch of the West. Ha, and Hufflepuffs are bad. Ravenclaws are the worst. They're so clever and they love to rub others' noses in it. They're very conceited," she supplied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted… You have a bit of a journey ahead of you. You won't be able to leave with Vic vowing revenge on you, so I suggest you go visit the Wizard in Slytherin City."

"Wizard? You… Never mind. _I'm_ a Wizard." He pulled out his wand. "See? I can do magic, too."

"Oh yeah? Then save yourself," Lily provoked.

Scorpius turned on the spot, thinking he'd Apparate home. No such luck. Apparently Victoire's powers weren't the only ones not working here, though the Malfoy son had a feeling that his Apparation wasn't going to work anywhere in Ozford. "Shit."

"Hey! Watch your damn language!"

"But—Ah, never mind."

"Good. You can reach the Wizard by travelling the Road of Golden Bricks. Oh, yeah: Don't remove the shoes, otherwise you'll die."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, hush up. Victoire will get you if you're defenseless because you removed them. Well, good luck with the Wizard. See ya!" Lily walked back into the giant Golden Snitch, which promptly closed and flew away with her.

Scorpius took a step back and looked at the expectant Mugglekins. "Er, hello, there."

"Thank you for saving us, kind Scorpius," said a little Mugglekin. She came forward from the rest and tipped her cap to him, her glasses sliding down her nose."

He groaned. "Let me guess, your name's 'Molly,' isn't it?"

She gasped, looking completely like Percy's daughter. "Why, kind Scorpius! You're a seer, too!" she squeaked in her tiny voice. "Yes, I'm the mayor of Mugglekinland, Molly." Her brown bob bounced as she looked back up at him. "So? Will you take on the quest?"

"I will. Lily's of no bloody use here and I doubt you lot are of any good either."

"Not true, not true!" Molly gestured to several more Mugglekins. "Roxanne!"

Sure enough, a Mugglekin who "looked" like Roxanne Weasley stepped up. "Here!"

"Bring out your latest wares!"

Roxanne motioned to three more Mugglekins, Lucy, Hugo, and Louis Weasley. Why Louis was a Mugglekin while his sisters were evil witches, Scorpius didn't bother trying to find out. Roxanne dug through a bag the other three held and withdrew a box with a very familiar "W" logo on it. "Here you go! I call them 'Wheezes'! They're really meant for playing tricks, but the latest ones should aide you in defeating the Ravenclaw Witch."

"I never said anything about defeating her! I _accidentally_ killed her sister!"

"But you nonetheless saved us," Molly pointed out. The other Mugglekins behind her looked like former fellow Hogwarts classmates to Scor… "And I doubt you'll escape here without besting her. We wish you the best of luck, hero!"

"The best of luck!" "w00t!" "Victoire be pwned!" Amongst other things, the Mugglekins cheered.

"So please defeat her for us!" Molly pleaded. "With the Hufflepuff Witch gone, the Ravenclaw Witch will try and take us over! Please save us!" They all stared at him with rather doe-like eyes.

Scorpius backed away, but he realized he had no choice. "…Fine. But only if it helps me get home!" he added with a wag of his finger.

"Good luck, proud warrior! Now _BEAT IT_!" The Mugglekins shoved him off and away toward the direction of the Road of Golden Bricks. Scorpius had no time to try and go back into his house to even test if he could get home that way (which he wouldn't, but, hey, he didn't know that).

The Malfoy son began his journey and waved over his shoulder at the kind (WTF?) Mugglekins. Jojo soared lowly at his side. He turned to the owl, who flicked his head towards his master. "You know, we haven't seen everyone yet. The blokes couldn't possibly be here, right…? I mean, sure, Roxanne's here, but…well, maybe Freddie was a Mugglekin and I missed him. And the others… Maybe they were Mugglekins, too, if they're here."

Then the Road of Golden Bricks came into view.

- ^-^3

**8D I'm loving this. This is probably the most fun thing I've ever written. It's awesome to do! I have the whole cast planned out and I'm really getting into the little plotlines and etc. that I'm figuring out as I'm going along. I sincerely hope you stick this out with me (even in the slashy moments!), because this is just gonna be a fun-frickin'-fantabulous time!**

**Don't forget to **_**review**_**! Thanks! :D**

**-mew! :3**

**Thanks to Morghen for betaing! No, really! Wif basement cat on top! XD Can haz cheezburger? *LOL!***


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